I believe it is God's wish that babies not exist, and this is why we quickly grow to adulthood. Nature is clearly telling mankind that babies are unforgivable abominations, but still humanity can not stop making them. When informed by friends or family that, "We're having a new baby," I always ask, "And what is wrong with the old one?" As this point of view has frequently gotten me into trouble, especially while I made my living as a doctor and was wont to tell worrisome mothers that the simple and permanent cure for any childhood illness was a bottle of cyanide, I have decided not to write about this topic today. I do not wish to offend any readers who might also be parents. But before moving on to the main text, please consider the following tale I overheard at the market this very morning:

A woman boards a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman moves to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Yes, I just recounted to you a joke about a baby. Which I overheard in the market. I am painfully aware that some may be discomfited by the gag, but one must keep all things in proper perspective. For example, consider the following whimsy before passing judgment on the previous:

What's green, blue, red, and tastes funny?
A zombie baby eating a clown.

What does a dingo call a baby in a stroller?
Meals on wheels.

Did you know that it takes FIVE babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?

As you can see, there is no dearth of inappropriate humor concerning infants, and calling a child ugly is really not so bad afterall. On the opposite side of the spectrum are jokes which fall even flatter. I discovered the following whilst perusing the net:

What’s red and crawls up your leg?
A baby that has, adorably, spilled cranberry juice all over herself.

How do you make a baby float?
Always have your baby wear a Coast Guard-approved life vest.

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a baby?
A baby needs constant supervision.

I have now completely forgotten the original intent of this post. My post has been hijacked by evil baby memes. Curse you babies. Curse you!