In AD 1075, the Most Serene Republic of Venice, as it was then known, was a somber nation holding an uncertain peace with both the Byzantine and Holy Roman Empires. For this reason, Domenico Selvo, heir to the Doge of Venice, married Teodora Ducas, daughter of Constantine X of Byzantia and sister of the reigning emperor, Michael VII. Although Teodora brought with her the promise of prosperity and mobility, many Venetian nobles felt the eastern princess was fiendishly ostentatious. Her worst crime was the sinful refinement she displayed in making use at meals of a double-pronged fork of gold, instead of using her hands like a proper lady. The local clergy responded to there new dogaressa by writing, "God in his wisdom has provided man with natural forks - his fingers. Therefore it is an insult to Him to substitute artificial metallic forks for them when eating." What these men really wanted to say was, "SHAMELESS HUSSIES GO HOME!" as they were wont to do with any foreign woman, but they knew full well that Selvo would relocate his new bride's eating utensils into their hindquarters if they dared be so impudent. This, friends, is how the fork made its way across Europe: with weeping and gnashing of teeth.

The word fork is derived from the Latin furca, meaning "pitchfork", and it was a matter of some humor to those not yet acquainted with its use. Five hundred years after Teodora, the fork still had not caught on in England, though many parts of Europe used it regularly. Thomas Coryat of Odcombe, in a book titled "Coryat's Curdities Hastily gobbled up in Five Months Travels in France, Savoy, Italy, etc." published in London, 1611, claims to be the first Englishmen to use a fork. He states:

I observed a custome in all those Italian Cities and Townes through which I passed, that is not used in any other country that I saw in my travels, neither do I thinke that any other nation of Christendome doth use it, but only Italy. The Italian, and also most strangers that are commorant in Italy, doe alwaies, at their meales use a little forke when they cut the meate; for while with their knife, which they hold in one hand, they cut the meate out of the dish, they fasten their forke which they hold in their other hande, upon the same dish, so that whatsoever he be that sitteth in the company of any others at meate, should unadvisedly touch the dish of meate with his fingers, from which all at the table doe cut he will give occasion of offence unto the company as having transgressed the lawes of good manners, insomuch for his error he shall be at least browbeaten, if not reprehended in words.

Thomas continued to use a fork after he left Italy and was ridiculed by his countrymen for it. They nicknamed him "fork-bearer" which implied utterly unmanly and affected behaviour. "REAL MEN DON'T USE FORKS!" they cried, waving their medium-rare steaks in the air. And also, "SHAMELESS HUSSIES GO HOME!" In fact, this unholy, unmanly instrument did not gain acceptance in England until the 18th century.

Today there are a preponderance of forks. Beef forks, cheese forks, salad forks, pastry forks, relish forks, and olive forks to name a few. And I would be remiss if I failed to mention the spork, sometimes called a foon, which is only half-a-fork. Incidentally, sporks have been mass-produced since the late 1800s, with the Folgate Silver Plate Company of England manufacturing them between 1875 and 1900 under the guise of ice cream forks.


And now, for levity, a fork related tale I witnessed with my own eyes.

A blind man walked into a restaurant and sat down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walked up to the blind man and handed him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and cannot read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is having fun at his expence and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man put the fork to his nose, took a deep whiff, and said, "Hey, I didn't know Mary worked here ..."