This article may contain strong language. Be advised.

While the majority of politicians are male, the habits herein discussed apply equally to the female politician, whose behaviour in other political arenas may differ greatly, but whose copulatory exploits are not remarkably distinct from those of their male counterparts.

Consider first that politics is a process by which groups of people make decisions, and this decision-making process is complicated by an uneven allocation of power and authority amongst group members. Specifically, this disheartening disparity is a result of the politician's true intent. As Ambrose Pierce phrased it, politics are "the conduct of public affairs for private advantage". That advantage is private indeed, for the politician is vying for a chance to reproduce, or, to use the colloquial term, to "fuck". The complex and sometimes circuitous strategies employed in this endeavor range from subtle deception to brute force. Making matters worse, the politician is unique among all creatures in that it is the only animal which does not breed with its own kind. Instead, politicians prefer to fuck all other people, especially the constituency. This is generally attributed to the fact that "lack-of-power" is a strong aphrodisiac to the politician (and other politicians wield enough power to make themselves unappealing as potential mates).

The mating ritual of the politician varies, as I have mentioned, but the primary method is one of deception, not unlike the Boreal owl, Aegolius funereus, found in mountain ranges across North America and Eurasia. This winged wastrel flies about the forest during mating season securing multiple nests, pretending each one is its home in an attempt to attract a different mate to each nest. The owls are careful to keep each nest a good distance from the others to ensure none of their partners suspect the duplicitous nature of their arrangement. So too the politician. During mating season, the politician flies through its territory conversing with individuals or groups of individuals in an attempt to attract these persons into coitus. Each conversation is tailored to the group in question, so conversations with other groups may include conflicting details and reversals of opinion--anything to charm their marks. If the politician is caught in a lie by its prospective lover, the common response is a staunch denial of the facts, no matter the evidence presented against them. Surprisingly, this appears to be an effective strategy, as ofttimes the would-be lover becomes a lover-in-fact and is thoroughly fucked by the politician. This behaviour has generated no small amount of anecdotes and gags.

What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?
Prostitutes are honest with you.

How can you tell a politician is not lying to you?
He's riding in the back of a hearse.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a dead president?
Nothing, they're both dead fuckers.

Of course, dishonesty is not foolproof, and in certain eventualities the politician may feel they have no chance at all of copulation. At these times, they are like to do something unexpected and look to each other for help. Politicians are generally thought of as competing against each other for the right to mate with voters, but it is not uncommon for several, or even all of them, to band together. And although in these cases there is no good way to tell if any politician will come out with clear mating rights, there is at least the guarantee that someone will fuck the voters. This is not unlike the violent group sex sometimes perpetrated by dolphins and is clearly an instinct resulting from centuries of political evolution. There seems to be little thought involved. As Plato phrased it, “Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” Hence, politicians really are dumb fuckers.

A kind thank you to Mr. Coffman for inspiration, though I'm not certain this is what you had in mind. Bit of a rush job really.