It may surprise you to learn the sport of football has been around for centuries. So long, in fact, that even Shakespeare makes use of it in his writings. His character, the poor Dromio, tired of being kicked around, asks in A Comedy of Errors, Act II, Scene 1:
    Am I so round with you as you with me,
    That like a football you do spurn me thus?
    You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
    If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.

Perhaps more surprising, the sport precedes Shakespeare by many centuries. The ancient Romans played several ball games and were known to create an air-filled ball of leather, the follis. These were rowdy sports and played in public, on the streets, often interrupting the business of everyday. The Roman politician Cicero describes the case of a man who was killed whilst having a shave when a ball was kicked into the barber's shop, setting the blade into the client's throat. The barber had no choice but to refund the man his money, after which the patron expired with all speed.

The sport found its way to England in the hands of the Roman occupation and quickly spread through the land, but it did not gain true popularity until sometime later when a certain Danish prince was overthrown by the people. Having relieved the prince of the great burden of his weighty head, the rebels felt obliged to put the pate to good use. The rebel leader is recorded as saying to the crowd, after some celebration and drinking, "Let us have a bit more sport with the old man's attic. I shall take this lot on the right, and you take yours on the left, and we'll have a proper Roman ball game. If you can take this crooked crown to the south market, then shall your company be victorious. But if I can take it to the north market, then ours shall be victorious." And at this point the people exploded in a crash of bodies, each one vying for possession of the head that they might carry their company to victory.

In some parts of Europe, the game is still played in this manner, substituting a ball for a head, of course. Perhaps the best known case is the Shrovetide Football practiced annually in the town of Ashbourne in Derbyshire. There may be hundreds of players--there is no set team size--and the entire town is used as a field. There are precious few rules, the main ones being: Committing murder or manslaughter is prohibited. The ball may not be carried in a motorized vehicle. The ball may not be hidden in a bag, coat or rucksack. Cemeteries, churchyards and the town memorial gardens are strictly out of bounds. Playing after 10 pm is forbidden... Believe me you, I lack the capacity to fabricate such details.

Needless to say, this violent game was not in favour among the upper class, and the sport was considered to be "un-Christian" for its lack of order. In 1314, Nicholas de Farndone, Lord Mayor of the City of London and eternal stick-in-the-mud, issued a decree banning football: Forasmuch as there is great noise in the city caused by hustling over large foot balls in the fields of the public from which many evils might arise which God forbid: we command and forbid on behalf of the king, on pain of imprisonment, such game to be used in the city in the future. It would seem that, like the extravagant forks of yesteryear, football could only lead one down the shadowy road to sin and devil worship. His ban was followed by decrees from Edward III, Henry IV , Henry VI and James III of Scotland. Ironically it was another king, King James I, who wrote a "Book of Sports" in 1618 instructing Christians everywhere to play football each Sunday after worship.

Over the centuries, rules made their way into the game, primarily aimed at mitigating violence, and the game itself split into several varieties. Hence today we have American football, Canadian football, and Rugby football. The history of American and Canadian football can be traced to early versions played in the UK, stemming partly from Americans and Canadians who had been educated in English schools. By the way, American football is sometimes referred to as "gridiron", which sounds particularly manful, but is in actuality a culinary metaphor describing the similarity of yard-lines to the parallel bars of a metal grate used to grill fish, meat, or vegetables. Those sweaty boys do look a bit like shrimp popping on the grill, afterall.

There is one more unusual thing about this sport, and that is, much like golf, everything in it has a semblance of smut and sex. Here are a few phrases you are likely to hear while attending a game of football:

- He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
- He gets penetration in the backfield.
- When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
- He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
- He really beats them off like a pro.
- He found a hole and slid it right in.
- He’s got great hands.