Recently, while sharing drinks with a friend in a public house, I recounted my golf-related limerick in which "the gentlemen all became damper" and, at the poem's end, my friend spilled his drink on the ground, leapt upon the table, and declared in a loud voice, "You are remiss, sir! It is the well-known distinction of the female sex that the pudendum should moisten whence aroused, and that the same can not be said of the male, excluding, of course, that final apex of sexual congress!" I replied with shocked silence, and we were quickly escorted from the premise, our belongings being hurled after us into the street, and the pub's large oaken door slamming shut with a resounding boom. "Well," I said, "let us consider the matter closed for now, lest we find ourselves in even greater trouble." And so, we picked up our things and made our way from the city. But now I must respond to my friend's unfortunate lack of knowledge on the subject and disclose to you all, dear readers, the apparently unknown mechanism of the human male reproductive apparatus by which a gentleman might find his trousers in a state of madescence. In so doing, I shall also be keeping theme with the previous post--that being somewhat occult and uncomfortable medical knowledge. I encourage you, once again, to take heart and press on, despite the potentially distressing nature of this topic.

The man depicted here is one William Cowper, accomplished anatomist of the late 17th century. He is best known for his discovery of a minuscule gland at the root of the penis, below the prostate, and also for his poorly executed plagiarism of medical plates from his nemesis, the Dutch physician Govert Bidloo. Cowper discovered that the gland which now bears his name is composed of a pea-sized ball, emanating from which is a small duct which is "attached to the main line". This last bit of information sent the medical community into fits. You see, the anatomy and mechanism of human reproduction was thought to be already understood in full. A man's seed was borne from the testes through the vasa deferentia up to the urethra. What more was there? All of Europe quaked in fear of Cowper's newfangled accessory gland, which threatened their very way of life. Cowper himself knew he must discover the function of this new gland, and he must be quick about it. He locked himself in his room with nothing but a dry cloth, an aloe vera plant, and the only remaining copy of Raimondi's "Sixteen Pleasures". The world held its breath for three months, but they would not be disappointed.

When Cowper emerged, disheveled and exhausted, his book destroyed, his plant reduced to mere nubbins, and blind in his left eye, he had the answer he'd been seeking. "Fear ye not, sexually repressed citizens!" he said. "It is the purpose of this fleshy device only to moisten the tract through which our seed doth flow, so that it might transport itself with greater ease and efficiency." And he added, "The serum from this gland (which I have dubbed Cowper's Fluid) will oft make itself known, at such a time as one grows excited, by leaking out some small amount, but it's presence does not necessitate the presence of those other more sacred reproductive fluids whose modes and methods we already have knowledge of." The medical community stood in awe. They praised, congratulated, and thanked him and asked him to bathe immediately.

We have learned much since Cowper's initial discovery, and not every gentleman experiences the phenomena to the same degree. For some, the greatest arousal might produce no significant dampening of the yankable yardarm, while others may find a pearl atop their sordid scepter at the merest hint of eroticism. In certain cases, an individual might find their faucet leaking on a regular basis for no immediately apparent reason. This may indicate an infection of the prostate which can irritate the Cowper's gland, causing an overflow. The fluid itself appears to serve less as a lubricant then as a Protector of Semen. It not only goes before the tide to make the way clear, but reacts chemically to neutralize acidic residues left behind from other activities. Of course, this is why coitus interruptus is such a poor regulatory device for conception: the emission of this fluid occurs whether or not the gentleman succumbs to climax, and may carry with it some previously expelled spermatozoa, rendering the method less than foolproof.

And now you know why and how an innocent golfer may become wet at the site of a buxom lass galloping down the green. If you are interested in that sort of thing. Please raise your hands if you have questions.

Now, to continue the tradition, I offer a challenge. There is a certain painting showing me at the barber's. I have placed an image of this painting in another location. Find it, identify for me the name of the artist and the name of the work, and you shall receive the usual prize of choosing a topic for my next post, or, if you prefer, of receiving privately some piece of writing that you may use as you see fit.