I imagine a great number of you will be surprised to learn that I am a studied Christologist, though I am not in the habit of advertising my religious practices as even the Christian among you will be doubly nonplussed to learn the nature and extent of these beliefs. Therefore, I kindly remind you of the lesson commended us by the Pericope Adulterae, in which the Avatar of God instructs his disciples to cast the first stone if and only if they are without sin.

It is a well known fact, to those who know it well, that the New Testament recounts only select portions of the life of Jesus of Nazareth. In particular, it tells of his life up to the point of Bar Mitzvah, then leaves off altogether for a span of eighteen years, whence it details his travels around Galilee and Jerusalem, his arrest, crucifixion and resurrection. It completely ignores his travels west to England, accompanied by the wealthy Joseph of Arimathea, and shamelessly proclaims his ascension to heaven, though in reality he traveled east across India, China, and Japan. Here is what occurred, in actuality.

Jesus, being an exceptionally headstrong child, often found himself arguing with his elders and calling them out in public forums. His townsfolk were at first amused, but quickly found him obnoxious and began plotting against him. Fortunately, his great uncle on his mother's side, Joseph of Arimathea, was privy to these schemings. Joseph was a merchant of fine metals and was planning to leave for Britannia, the northern reach of the Roman Empire which had long been known as a source of tin. Joseph knew he must save the child-god, and as this trip coincided with Jesus's thirteenth birthday, the precocious child was whisked away following his initiation into adulthood and he began his long life of wandering.

Joseph and Jesus crossed what we would today call France, and chartered passage across the channel to England where Joseph secured a great deal of tin and other goods which he planned to escort back across the water. The fates, it would seem, had other plans. The ship was taken by pirates almost as soon as it set sail in those choppy waters. Joseph was cast in the sea, but rescued by another ship. Jesus, however, was taken captive and made to work the oars, swab the deck, and sing Roman shanties. He spent the following four years learning the ways of piracy: seamanship, brawling, carousing, improvised weaponry, etc. Although he was quickly accepted into the pirate brotherhood, he was oft harangued for refusing to kill and rape, and his demure behaviour earned him the nickname "little pants". However, the captain, a man named Nicomedes, recognized a brilliant spark in the boy and Jesus's evenings were spent secretly teaching his captain the art of reading and writing. Nicomedes, being exceedingly grateful for this rare tutelage, granted Jesus his freedom and a ship of his own to do with as he pleased. Jesus sailed the Mediterranean as a pirate for another six years, reforming the other pirates by example and great displays of mercy when releasing captives instead of killing them. He soon became known as The Gentle Pirate, but due to a confusion with an earlier and terrible Gentle Pirate, whose name was ironic, not literal, he decided to abandon piracy altogether and return to the Roman mainland from whence he came. He returned to his family trade as a handyman for several more years before launching his career as a prophet (the Greek word tekton, from which derives the word technology, is often translated incorrectly as carpenter, but in fact means much more).

Excepting perhaps the truly heathen among you, the story from this point will be well known. Jesus craved intellectual stimulation and found the life of a handyman less than satisfying. He left home and began the work he was born to do, wandering the countryside and teaching folks how to behave like civilized human beings, once again garnering fame and awkward glances. During an encounter at a temple in Jerusalem, he lost his temper and, calling on his pirate training, quickly fashioned a whip from material he found lying about. He caused a great scene and was immediately arrested, convicted, and put to death. Now at this point in the story tradition states that his body was secreted away in the burial chamber of his great uncle Joseph, and after three days he rose from the dead. Having risen, he revealed himself to his inner circle of followers, then quickly ascended to heaven like Elijah before him. This is absolute and total bunk.

In fact, Jesus and his companions hatched a devious and elaborate plan to save him from death, knowing that he must continue his work elsewhere. They paid a centurion to corroborate the story of Jesus's death, and he was taken down from the cross (still alive), wrapped in shrouds, and taken to the tomb where he switched places with his twin brother Didymos. Didymos stayed behind to keep up appearances while Jesus recuperated and prepared for his journey east.

Jesus traveled through much of the East, teaching and learning from other masters like himself, and eventually made his way to the island nation of Japan. At that time, known as the Yayoi period, Buddhism and Taoism had not yet been introduced to Japan, and Shinto had not yet been codified into an institution, although it was the prevailing faith. Jesus wandered Japan spreading his gospel until he came to the Kosokotai shrine and met the priest Takeogokoro. The two had many mystifying conversations on the nature of divinity and the source of life. Jesus showed Takeogokoro how to walk on water and Takeogokoro showed Jesus how to conceal himself at will and how to leap high into the trees. It was during his training with Takeogokoro that Jesus had his Messianic Revelation, in which he knew he would study the ninja arts, among other arts of war, and return again to his homeland in the distant future to deliver the faithful from bondage, by force if necessary. After his Revelation, he trained intensively for another twenty years until he mastered every form and trick, at which time he had drawn the attention of the court and met with the emperor and relayed his story to him. The emperor was pleased with Jesus and gifted him a sword of of unearthly power, to which Jesus is rumored to have said, "That's right bitches. Who's got the little pants now?"

Jesus, being the immortal Avatar of God, but wishing to keep his presence a secret, faked his death once again (his burial mound can still be seen in the town of Shingo in the Aomori prefecture where tourists can buy Jesus memorabilia and souvenirs). However, he had fallen in love with Japan and the elegance of the sadō tea ceremony, and did not leave the islands, but instead honed his skills as a handyman and technologist. As time passed, he become more and more adept at building and creating mechanical objects and this is partially why Japan is so successful today in the technological arena. Eventually, he began to mechanize his own body, making himself even stronger and more formidable for the impending battle of the end times. As the saviour of mankind, he is always at the forefront of technological innovation. And, although he has not chosen to reveal himself in many years, even to the most dedicated Christologists, we have faith that he lies in wait somewhere in Japan, with designs on the world's oppressive governments and corporations. Upon his return (The Second Coming), it is said that Jesus will blast holes in the heads of the unrighteous via hyper-amplified titanium-sapphire laser cannons mounted in the palms of his hands (The Last Judgment). I await that time eagerly, my lord.

This post was inspired by a suggestion from Chase Money. You may claim the usual prize by being the first to identify the common mathematical term hidden in this post.