I have recently procured, and am very pleased to be wearing, a new hat. If you frequent the pages of Wikipedia you will be informed that, "A hat is a head covering." How true. But this statement leaves something to be desired, I think you will agree. After all, one might imagine almost anything can serve as a head covering. Certainly a sizable soup pot would make a comely hat. A very large flying squirrel would do nicely, I should think. But these items are not typically considered to be hats, despite their extreme comfort and ease of use. Those items which are specifically recognized as hats can be placed into several categories, based upon their purpose. You see, some hats are strictly functional, intended to spare the wearer from the elements or perhaps from falling debris, in the case of a hardhat. Some serve as a form of social demarcation, indicating status or position, as is the case with the ridiculous fish-mouthed hats worn by popes and bishops. That particular head covering, by the way, is known as a mitre, or, in some circles, "the spittoon of God".

Most hats, however, serve purely as fashion accessories. It may be argued, of course, that in this capacity they also serve to position the wearer in the social sphere. An individual sporting a top hat will make a very different impression than one in a baseball cap. For instance, my newly procured hat is so impressive, I won a bet this very afternoon in which I gained admittance to my favorite eatery wearing nothing but that stylish fedora. The gentleman behind the counter proclaimed, when I burst through the door, "My god, Bartleby! You can't come in here dressed like that. You'll put my other customers to shame!" At least, that is how I remember it.

Most are unaware that the fedora style of hat was originally popular as a woman's hat, not a man's. In fact, the word fedora comes from the title of an 1882 play by Victorien Sardou, Fédora. The play was first performed in the U.S. in 1889. Sarah Bernhardt played Princess Fédora, the heroine of the play, and she wore a hat similar to a contemporary fedora. Because women looked so completely smashing in these accessories, many men of the middle class became jealous. "First cigarettes, now sexy hats? What is the world coming to?!" they seemed to say and quickly adopted to fashion as one for mobsters, detectives, and other bad boys. And, although the popularity of the fedora sadly declined after about 1960, they are finally enjoying a much deserved comeback. And, speaking of comebacks...

There was an old woman standing on the street corner, waiting to cross. A great gust of wind blew at her and she reached up instinctively to keep her hat on her head, but in so doing her dress was blown up around her waist, revealing her well-starched panties. Nearby, a dignified southern gentleman witnessed this and said to the woman, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself! Really. Letting your skirt blow around, being indecent while holding your hat." The old woman replied, "Look, mister. Everything down there is seventy years old, but this hat is brand new!"