Dear friends, I come to you today with a heavy heart. I had hoped to escape that basest of insult variety, that most churlish verbal banter, that commonplace sign of contempt known far and wide by two small words whose combination finds me stricken and enervated. I refer, of course, to those insults which do not aim to defame the individual, but rather to dismantle the individual's own mother. How came I to be forced into presentation of such material? In what manner might I redeem myself from it? As to the first, I can only advise you in hopes of sparing you a similar fate: under no circumstances ought you wrestle a full grown and angry pig, leastwise in the creature's own environment of mud and slop. Neither then, quite obviously, ought you wager on your ability to do so. I shall say no more. Now as to the second matter I find the solution quite simple, if unorthodox. Creation of the individual requires both a male and female, or rather, a father and a mother. If I be forced to taunt the one, so must I taunt the other! And now, have at thee:

  Your mother is so repulsive she ties a pork-chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

  Your mother is so dense it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

  Your father is so decrepit he puts his penis in the freezer when he wants to get hard.

  Your father is so moronic he stared at a can of frozen orange juice for an hour because the label read "concentrate".

  Your mother is so old when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock.

  Your mother is so filthy the farmers buy her bathwater for fertilizer.

  Your father is so bald when he puts on a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

  Your father is so fat he sells shade for a living.

  Your mother is so mindless she got tangled up in her cell phone.

  Your mother is so old she still drives a chariot to work.

  Your father is so adulterous he has more clap than an auditorium.

  The new sign on the subway reads "Max load: 200 people OR your father".

Be ye satiated, villainous rogue?  Eh?  BE YE?
Take me not lightly, sir. I shall yet have vengeance!