There has been an unfortunate lack of understanding regarding my previous post in which I referred to the Komodo dragons of Indonesia,Varanus komodoensis, as having "the filthiest mouths in the known universe." While those of you schooled in the natural sciences may have picked up on this wordplay, others were left in the cold, so to speak. But let us take this opportunity to turn lemons into lemon-custard pie, my personal favorite dessert, and learn something new.

In 1910, when rumors of a "land crocodile" reached Lieutenant van Steyn van Hensbroek of the Dutch colonial administration, he took it upon himself to verify the creature's existence. The Lieutenant made his way to the island of Komodo aboard the steam ship Venture. Once on the island, it did not take long to locate a specimen, and he soon observed many unusual behaviours.

Hensbroek noted one individual that had partially swallowed an entire goat, the mammal's hind legs still protruding from the great lizard's mouth. The beast, growing impatient with its naturally slow digestive powers, began ramming the goat against a tree in order to force the meal further down its gullet. Hensbroek reports that after this astounding display of gluttony, the lizard waddled toward the sea and mounted a stone outcropping where it sat in the hot sun for many hours, apparently dead. The Lieutenant approached the creature, intending to retrieve its corpse, and was surprised to instead receive a blow to the head by the animal's weighty tail. As he stumbled away, another dragon charged him and bit him on the leg.

He reports of the incident, "I continued my run but became overwhelmed with nausea and dizziness. It reminded me much of my wedding day. My leg began to swell immediately as if I had been bitten by a venomous snake. Several of the dragons chased me until I climbed a small tree, and they quickly lost interest after I expelled my lunch onto one of their heads. (Again, the similarity to the day of my marriage vows.) Still, I waited in the tree for another hour until the nausea wore off and I made my way to the ship."

All seemed well, but Hensbroek eventually died of bacterial induced meningitis. And this is what I mean when I say that Komodos have filthy mouths. In addition to the mild venom in their bite, Komodo saliva contains over fifty different strains of bacteria, including Pasteurella multocida, Escherichia coli, Staphylococcus sp., Providencia sp., Proteus morgani and P. mirabilis. Which means that, while a Komodo's venom might not kill you (unless you are particularly small), the septic pathogens in its saliva could send you to an early grave.

After that, you need a joke about death, do you not?

Three friends die in a freak accident with a Komodo dragon. They meet in heaven. St. Peter asks them each, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first man replies,"I would like to hear them say that I was the best damned teacher in the world." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a brilliant doctor and that I made a difference in my community." The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look! He's moving!"

You see friends, death is something we all live with. We can not escape it, but we have a difficult time accepting it. My person recommendation is that you learn to relax when it comes to death. In fact, the next time you have to attend a funeral, consider spicing things up a little. Try a few of these suggestions?

- Punch the deceased and tell people that he hit you first.
- Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
- Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he does not keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
- Slip a spare cellphone into the deceased's pocket and call it during the service.
- Write "Best before last week" on top of the coffin.
- Use the deceased to practice your ventriloquism.
- Hide behind the casket and say, very slowly, "Bwaiiiins."
- Instead of reading a eulogy, read a quote from Kenny Rogerson:

Last Thursday, there's an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, 'What's going on?' He says, 'Looks like your wife committed suicide.' I'm thinking, 'Oh great. Right before the weekend.' So I go down to the morgue to identify her body, and I spend half the day there browsing. The morgue guy pulls up the tray, pulls back the sheet, and I said, 'Yeah, that's her.' All of a sudden, he starts laughing. I said, 'What's so funny?' Next thing I know, the lights come on, she pops up -- 'Surprise! Happy Birthday!' I couldn't believe I fell for that two years in a row.